Spike's Little Problem
by musketau
Summary: He’s lost control


**Spike's little problem**

Title: **Spike's little problem**

Author: musketau  
Summary: He's lost control  
Pairings: None  
Rating: I'll say M15+, i think.  
Crossover: None  
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Mutant Enemy and whoever  
else wants to lay claim to them. It's not mine, honest.  
Feedback: Oh, please!

Authors note: Not Xander centric, but he plays his part

**Spike's little problem**

By musketau

No Anya, Xander hasn't lost an eye, Faith is there, Spike had his chip pulled and hasn't killed under the first's control yet.

"*" Talking

'*' Spike's thoughts

_Writing_

Spike sat up in the basement of the Summers' house. Upstairs, dozens of potentials were training, researching or lounging around. Down in the basement, Spike was having trouble.

'What the bloomin 'ell is going on' he thought to himself, confused, "I don't want to sit up. Why the 'ell can't I control myself.'

Spike stood up, the movements jerky and unsure. His right foot hits a box and he falls down, smacking his head on the ground since he can't even move his hands. He tries to yell out, but his voice wont work.

Spike's arms finally move, although not under his control. Getting under him, his arms push him up as his legs move, leaving him on hands and knees. Spike is getting worried. He can't control himself.

His mouth opens, and a groan comes out. Over the next five minutes, a startling number of weird sounds come out of his mouth until they finally start sounding like words.

It was like someone was learning how to control his body.

'Not bloomin' likely', Spike thought to himself. He was Spike, William the Bloody, the Slayer of Slayers. No one made a monkey out of Spike. 'Well except for that one time with Dru and Angelus.' He commented to himself.

Unfortunately for Spike, it appeared the puppeteer had other ideas. His hands pushed up, so he was resting only on his knees, and reached to his bed next to him. Pushing, he managed to stand up.

Moving very slowly, Spike started walking around the room. More often than not he would run into something and either fall over and smack his head into the ground, or flail wildly to keep his balance before running into a wall. In a few minutes, his head was purple with bruises and light cuts. With his bleached hair he looked like a mouldy eggplant. He'd look okay in the morning, he just hoped no-one saw him before then.

Once he started moving with a bit of confidence, Spike was shocked to feel his mouth open and words to come out that he didn't put there. To start with the words sounded wrong, as if someone else was speaking, but within another 10 minutes even Spike couldn't tell the difference, although that may have been the concussion talking.

Even though his body was moving almost fluidly now, for some reason Spike kept running into walls, boxes and a wardrobe.

By the time his body stopped, Spike was barely conscious, lying on the ground with his head in the wardrobe. Finally Spike seemed to gain control of himself. He groaned and rolled over. Running his hands over his face, Spike winced at the cuts and bruises he could feel. He'd have to stay down here until he healed. There was no way he would let those wankers see him like this.

As if waiting for that thought to pass through his head, the door to the basement opened and Buffy yelled out "Come on, Spike, time to patrol."

Spike growled. What could he do? Buffy knew he had been fine last night; the patrol had been surprisingly quiet. She wouldn't believe any of the potentials or other Scooby's would attack him as they, and here he gritted his teeth, felt bad for attacking a defenceless vampire.

Spike wanted to prove to those Bastards that he was still the big bad, especially since Buffy got Captain Cardboard to have his doctors remove the chip. He could kill them at any time if he wanted. And Buffy might even let him, especially if he could convince her they were evil which, considering the way she treated them, wouldn't be hard.

The only problem as Spike saw it was that he'd probably die. Buffy was the only one, aside from Dawn, who wouldn't stake him in a second, and Giles, Robin and Xander would be fighting each other for the chance.

Spike knew about Ripper, and Robin was a good fighter so he knew they had a chance, but the one who scared him was droopy. In all his years, only one person had scared his sire, Angelus, and that was Xander.

Spike put him down all the time, trying to convince the others he was useless, but Spike knew the one most likely to stake him was Xander. He didn't care about how the others felt, as he proved when he lied to Buffy about the soul curse, he would do what he felt was necessary. And he was a scary son-of-a-bitccc. He was the most creative in terms of how to kill vampires.

It was Xander who came up with the idea of blessing the hot water heater at a vampire's house before it went for a shower.

It was Xander who poured petrol into a sewer and set it alight to get the vamps inside.

It was Xander who created the exploding crossbow bolt with a shotgun shell in it loaded with wood fragments.

And he was sure it was Xander who put crosses in his mattress, which he didn't find until after almost a month of sleepless nights.

Hell, most vampires were more scared of him than they were of Buffy. He wasn't as good with demons, and tended to leave them to Buffy unless they attacked his friends, and the demons thought it was a big joke, running a book on how long it would be until Spike was dust, and how Xander would do it.

So Spike couldn't come out and claim he'd been beaten by the others, even Buffy knows Xander would be much more inventive than that. If it wasn't for the fact he's no good with the Mojo, Spike'd be willing to bet he was behind this, but he wasn't.

Spike knew it had to be magic. Nothing else he knew of could control another's body like this. But who was doing it?

Finally, Spike got dressed and walked up the stairs, heading straight for the door to get out of the light as quick as possible.

Unfortunately

"What the hell happened to you?" Buffy looked pissed. What had Spike been doing to get beaten up like that?

"Nothing."

"Nothing! You look like," Buffy suddenly laughed.

"What? What do I look like?" He didn't like this. Buffy shouldn't laugh at him. He had to be her only support, or else she might start listening to the others about him.

Buffy controlled her laughter with difficulty, "It-It's nothing," she stuttered, before turning away and moving towards the others. Spike watched her walk up to Willow and Kennedy and tell them something. Both looked at Spike, his face visible through the kitchen window, and they laughed. Faith, who'd been listening from a few feet away, laughed as well and Buffy didn't stop her. That worried Spike. Buffy always jumped on Faith at the first opportunity.

Finally, everyone was ready. Spike had moved to a dark corner of the yard, and kept his head down.

After a few minutes Buffy had divided the group up and sent them out on patrol, one group with her, the other with Faith. All the other guys stayed home, although both Xander and Robyn had grumbled. Riley was still with them, and they were filling him in on the current situation on the Hellmouth.

Spike was with Faiths group, a first as usually Buffy kept Spike close to her. The fact that she kept laughing when she looked at Spike was probably the reason for the change. Of course, the fact that all the girls with him, 8 potentials and Faith, were soon smirking and laughing didn't help.

Spike was seriously pissed. He stalked ahead of the others, hoping to find something to take out his aggressions on. Ahead of him, a vampire was emerging from her grave. Perfect.

Spike turned back to the others "She's mine." He growled, before turning back and tripping over a tree-root.

Spike thumped to the ground, face first. 'No, not again.' Spike was no longer in control of his body. Whoever took over remembered from last time though. The sounds of the potentials laughter in his ears, Spike's body stood up. There was a clump of grass in his mouth and it was left there. His body moved towards the newly-risen vampire that was laughing at him. At him! No newbie laughed at Spike.

Spike's body launched a punch, a strong uppercut that missed the vampire by a foot. Spike span around from the force and was facing the potentials. Two were on the ground from laughing so hard. Faith wasn't, but that was only because she was watching the vampire.

THUMP

The vampire wasn't willing to let such a good chance go begging and had caught Spike from behind with the unkindest blow of all. She drew back and actually lifted Spike two feet into the air.

The pain was indescribable, as if someone had dipped his balls in holy water. Spike wanted to curl up and die but he couldn't. His body was still standing, although it was hunched over a bit. Faith had started moving forward and Spike was grateful, until his mouth opened and he said "Back off, Slayer. I told you, she's mine."

Faith stopped "If you're sure. That looked like it hurt."

"No. They're small enough that she missed." 'Whaat!' Spike was livid "If you don't believe me, just ask Buffy."

By this point Faith was laughing "If you say so, Tinky-Winky."

'Damn it. Now everyone is going to think-' Spike's thoughts stopped when the vampire hit him again, this time with a pair of kidney shots.

Spike felt his body turn around and reach for the vampire. He missed, allowing her to get a good shot in on his face. He felt his nose break. Spike drew back and let lose with another…

What the hell?

Spike looked at where he had just slapped the vampire. He moved forward and flailed at her with open hands, the way you see people fight if they don't know how, flapping their hands in the other persons direction and hoping something happens. The female vampire facing him was halfway between confused and laughing. He didn't want to consider what the potentials and Faith thought. The only bright point was that Buffy couldn't see this.

Finally, the vampire had enough and hit him with a right cross. Spike span around and saw the potentials. A lot of potentials. Oh no, Buffy and co. had joined up with them. Spike had just enough time to see Buffy watching him with a shocked look on her face before the vampire caught him across the back of the head.

His body span around, this time quick enough to grab her by the neck. He pulled out a stake and rammed it into her body.

He missed. He never missed.

The vampire, after seeing the stake through her right breast, looked livid at him and kicked him between the legs again. Despite the control, his eyes crossed a little, but he watched his body pull out the stake and try again. This time he managed to get it right. The vampire finally dusted.

Spike watched as the group joined him. His body slumped back against the gravestone, but it was too low and he flipped over it, ending up on the ground again.

As he lay there, he heard himself say "Oh damn, I tripped over a gravestone _again_!" As the potentials and Slayers surrounded him, they were all laughing, even Buffy.

"What the hell is the matter with you, Spike?"

Spike was stood up, and looked at Buffy, "Nothing. I'm fine. Nothing wrong with me at all." He took a step forward and fell into the hole the vampire had dug in her own grave.

From his position face down in the hole, legs flailing wildly in the air, Spike heard Buffy say "Come on, Baboon Butt there can make his own way back. I'm not sure we're safe with him around."

People moved away, and the last thing he heard was Faith asking "Hey B, can you answer a question about Tinky-Winky for me."

'What did she mean, Baboon Butt?' Spike recalled the laughter on Buffy's face when she saw him before, and realised why she had laughed. Apparently his bruised head looked like a baboon's Butt.

'Just great. This night can't get any worse.' Even as he thought that, he realised what a bad move it was. Two things happened at almost the same time. First the rain started. Spike felt the rain hitting his legs and butt. Then the control of his body ended. This might not seem too bad, but he'd been kicked twice, hard, in the balls, and now the pain had returned with reinforcements.

Head first in a hole, feeling the earth around him turn to mud and closing around him, Spike curled up as much as he could and cried.

THE NEXT MORNING

Spike had made it back to the house just before dawn, having had to dig his way out of the hole he'd been left in. The top half of his body was caked with mud, and the bottom half was soaked. He walked with a limp. Spike fell down the stairs into the basement, locked the door, and collapsed onto the bed. All day he slept, only waking up when Buffy finally roused him by slamming into the door with her foot.

"Rise and shine, Tinky," She sniggered. Obviously Faith and the other potentials had been busy, or else, no, Buffy couldn't have been there for that bit, could she? He didn't know.

Spike dragged himself out of his bed, had some blood and cleaned himself as much as he could. His duster was ruined. He ended up joining in on the training dressed in a set of Andrews's clothes, as they were the only set that fit him. He was wearing tan pants that were too short, exposing his white socks and black boots, the only part of his costume to be salvageable. A lime green shirt topped off the costume.

As he walked out into the yard, the laughing started. His injuries had healed during the day thanks to his vampiric healing, but everyone had heard the stories. The barely held in laughter was released upon seeing him.

Spike desperately wanted to attack the potentials for laughing at him but couldn't. It would show them the chip no longer worked. Buffy walked up to him.

"Spike, we wanted to give the girls a bit of experience with how fast and strong a vampire is. So, you'll be doing a bit of sparring. Okay?"

Perfect. He'd be able to occasionally slip up and hit the girls. He'd have to pretend the chip still worked, but it would be worth it. Spike walked out in front of the girls, strutting as much as he could considering what he was wearing. Instead of cool, he looked ridiculous, and he knew it.

As he walked in front of the girls, Spike felt himself lose control for a second. It wasn't long, but it was long enough for his right foot to get caught behind his left leg, and send him to the ground. At least this time he had control of his arms, and didn't land face first in the grass.

The sniggering became laughter.

Spike stood in front of the assembled potentials and waited. He was getting worried. If he told Buffy he was losing control of himself, everyone would assume the first was controlling him, and even Buffy couldn't save him. Maybe it was the first, but he was not going to tell them that. Serve them right if he killed a few of them. Stop them laughing at him.

With that happy thought in his head, Spike waited for the first girl to attack him. Instead of 1, two girls stepped forward. Spike looked at Buffy.

"The girls aren't fast or strong enough by themselves, but two on one allows them to split your attention and attack."

The girls each had a length of unsharpened dowel to simulate stakes. They split up and moved either side of them. One of them, Vi, spoke up "Come on, BB, aren't you going to attack defenceless old me?"

"What do you mean, BB?"

"Your new nickname, Baboon Butt."

Spike turned to Vi and charged her, arms outstretched to grab her and throw her to the ground. Maybe he'd throw her a bit harder than necessary. Yeah, that'd show her.

At the last second Vi disappeared. 'Huh. Where'd she go?'

A second later he knew, as his legs hit her body. Vi had dropped to the ground and let him trip over her. He hit the ground stunned for a minute. 'She got me!' Vi proved that a second later, when she struck him in the back with her blunt stake before rolling off and standing up.

Vi looked at the other potentials happily "He's not that hard to get."

Not that hard. He'd show her. He stood, and moved slowly towards Vi, no mindless rushes this time. He got to within 3 feet.

Rona, the other potential, looked over at Spike "What's the problem, Tinky-Winky, having a _little_ problem?"

Spike couldn't help himself. He turned to Rona and snarled at her. Rather than looking scared, Rona was smirking at him. Why was she smirking at him?

Vi's foot appeared between his legs at speed. While Vi couldn't lift him off the ground, it was still a vicious, well-placed kick.

Spikes eyes crossed and he mewled like a kitten, clutching at himself as he fell to the ground. He barely felt Rona staking him with her dowel, but he could hear Buffy talking.

"That's how you do it, girls. One distracts the vampire while the other stakes them, and an angry vampire can't control themselves, so keep up the quips and remember to work together. Two on one is good, three or more is better."

Buffy turned to Spike, who was still curled into a ball "I thought it didn't hurt you to get hit there? It certainly didn't seem to hurt yesterday."

Spike felt himself lose control and almost cried. What would happen now? He jumped up, his body ignoring his pain although his mind couldn't forget it. "What I said, Buffy, was that it was such a small target that it was almost impossible to hit." Spike cringed internally 'No, how could he say that.'

Buffy laughed. The only saving grace was that none of the other guys were here to see it, or hear it. Buffy continued "Okay, if you say so." Thank god, she didn't believe him.

"I'll prove it." He turned towards the potentials who were training in the yard. "Line up, girls. I'm going to prove my balls are a hard target. You'll get one shot each with either your foot, knee, or anything else you want." Spike wanted to faint. He was standing there, legs apart, while over two-dozen girls lined up for the chance to smash him in the balls.

As the first girl approached, Spike saw Willow holding a video camera and smiling.

ELSEWHERE

They watched as the girls lined up. Laughing, they watched as Spike took strike after strike. At least one girl snuck back in for a second shot. Was one of them holding a mace!

They looked at each other. How would they top this?

LATER

Spike lay in the basement groaning, an icepack trying to remove his pain. He'd stood there as each girl kneed, kicked or hit him in the groin, at the end of which he said "Is that all you've got?" and walked away, although he walked like a cowboy who'd been riding for a month. His new nickname of Tinky-Winky seemed cemented in place. It had taken them 10 minutes to bring Faith around. She'd laughed so hard she passed out.

Worse, Buffy was laughing at him. He'd almost told them he was losing control of himself but he stopped. Telling them that would get him staked straight away.

The only advantage was that the other guys hadn't seen his humiliation, although he was sure one of the girls would tell them. They'd spent the last two nights at home.

Yesterday Riley had showed up and they'd barricaded themselves in Robyn's room for Secret Means Business, probably talking about the girls. He wasn't invited since only Andrew liked him at all.

Tonight Angel, Angel, was up in Robyn's room with both Xander and Riley. The thought of the three of them together and not trying to kill each other boggled the mind.

Angel had shown up after Spikes whack-a-ball experience was over. After talking to Buffy for a while, he'd joined the other guys and disappeared. He'd actually heard laughter from the room.

Spike lay back on his bed. At least it was over for now.

THE NEXT NIGHT

Spike was thankful for vampire healing. He was able to walk without pain, and big boy wasn't purple any more.

Spike had gone for a quick trip back to his crypt to get some real clothes. His spare duster wasn't as good, but how could he be a real master vampire without a duster. And leather pants. Unfortunately, as soon as he'd got in the crypt, he felt his control disappear. Spike watched in mounting terror as he grabbed all of his clothes. Everything was put into a pile on the floor except for a pair of boxers Dru gave him with the count from Sesame Street on them. He moved over to his dresser, a box, and grabbed the lighter fluid. Spike knew what was going to happen but could do nothing. The lighter fluid covered his clothes before he dropped his cigarettes on the pile, lit his lighter and dropped it in the pile.

Noo! Spike cried internally as his clothes and smokes were destroyed. Whoever or whatever was controlling him knew exactly how to hurt him.

Spike was scared. He couldn't work out what was happening. Every time he thought he was safe, he'd lose control. And no one could tell. He didn't know what would happen next, but he wasn't looking forward to it.

Worse, Angel was around, and he didn't want the poof to see him get hurt again. It was embarrassing. Thankfully, he wouldn't be with Angel tonight. Angel would be with Faith, Robyn, Xander and Willow. None of the potentials trusted Angel, despite Buffy's assurances, so they would be doing a quick run with Buffy while Angel's group did a real patrol through the cemeteries.

Spike actually made it most of the way through the patrol before anything happened. He'd killed 2 vampires, and watched as the potentials had swarmed over 3 bringers, ripping them apart for their dead friends.

The only thing he did was fall over a gravestone. Not too bad, considering what else he's done, but he landed in a pile of Burmat droppings, which smelled disgusting. And when he'd tried to stand up, he'd fallen over again, right back into the s#!+.

As they approached the house, they saw Faiths group returning. Spike wanted to get inside before they saw him but it was too late. Even Angel was laughing. Spike was still wearing Andrews clothes from the night before, which were now covered in s#!+ and stinking, and he had to put up with everyone's laughter.

Spike went straight to the shower to clean himself off. It took three goes but he felt clean. As he washed himself he mumbled what he would do if he ever found who was doing this to him, things that would make even Angelus go green. A chainsaw was good, but quick. He would use an egg beater.

Unfortunately for Spike, someone was listening.

Spike want down to the basement. He now wore a pale pink shirt with the tan pants and black boots. After locking the basement door Spike moved towards his bed, just wanting to sleep the day away. He didn't get the chance.

Even as he moved to lie down, Spike felt his control slipping. He stood up and moved to pick up a notepad and pen that was on the floor. It hadn't been there when he went out. Sitting down, Spike watched as he wrote on the pad.

_We can always see you._

_You cannot hide from us._

_You belong to us._

_You will do what we want._

_Do you understand?_

At this point, Spike realised he had control of his voice. "Who the hell are you? Why are you doing this?" Despite wanting to yell, he could barely whisper.

_We are all around you._

_And we do it because it's fun._

"Fun. You call this fun?"

_Yes, we do._

"You bastards."

Spike put down the pen and pad and stood up. Walking over to the wall, he headbutted it repeatedly for a moment. As his head span, Spike felt his hand move out to the side before smashing into his groin. 'Not again' he thought as he groaned. He moved back to the bed, sat down, and picked up the pad and pen.

_Now do you understand?_

"Okay, okay. No swearing at you."

_Exactly_

"What do you want? Do you want to hurt the slayers? I could get behind that, if I get to have Buffy.

_Do you want to see what it feels like to nail your own feet to the ground?_

"I'll take that as a no."

_We want the Slayers, and everyone else here, to be safe. _

_You are not safe._

_We cannot trust you to keep them safe._

"Now hang on."

_We know what you are_

_You cannot change_

_You don't want to change_

"I'm a vampire. What do you expect?"

_We expect you to suffer_

_Now you suffer_

Spike ripped the page off the pad, screwed it into a ball, and ate it. Standing, he walked over to a cupboard and opened it, reaching in to pull out a container. Seeing what he was holding he tried to scream but his voice was no longer his own.

Opening the container Spike covered his hair with it, rubbing it into his scalp before laying on his bed with his hands at his side. For the entire day, Spike lay there, body immobile, while the Nair slowly removed his hair.

ELSEWHERE

Upstairs, hidden in Robyn's room, a group of people fell around on the floor laughing.

"Oh God, that was the best yet." Said Robyn.

"Better than the Burmat s#!+?" asked Andrew.

"Absolutely." Stated Giles, "Only one thing was better."

"What could be better than this?" Gasped Angel, having trouble even though he doesn't have to breathe.

"Have a look." Angel turned to Willow, who turned on the TV and pressed play.

Angel watched as Spike let the potentials play 'Whack-a-ball' in the yard, cringing even as he laughed harder than he ever did before. "whose idea was that?"

"As much as I'd like to claim the credit," began Riley "the genius behind that one was Xander."

When everyone turned to Xander, he bowed from his position on the ground "Thank you, thank you. I couldn't have done it without all of my fans."

Faith threw a pillow at him. "Just remind me to never get you mad with me. Uh, I did apologise for trying to kill you, didn't I?" she looked a little nervous.

Willow answered for Xander, who seemed to be considering her question "He's forgiven you, Faith. He's just playing with you."

"Hey, I wanted to play with her."

"You can play with me any time you want, Xander." Faith purred. Xander gulped.

Angel, of all people, decided to take mercy on Xander. "So how are you controlling Spike? You haven't explained that yet." Angel had been introduced to the group after he had dropped off the necklace to Buffy.

"Take a bow, Riley." Angel looked at Riley. Now they weren't competing over Buffy, Angel had found he had no trouble with Riley, or even with Xander, although they still didn't really like each other. Riley bowed.

"So how exactly did you do it?" Faith was curious as well.

Riley started "Well, it started when Buffy got us to take Spike's chip out."

"She did what?" Angel and Faith shouted.

"She told us to take out the chip. It was shorting out, and we gave her the option of replacing it or removing it. She chose removal."

"Okay, that is proof B is insane. Even at my worst I wouldn't do that" Faith continued muttering to herself for a few minutes. Angel is nodding. Angelus wasn't that stupid.

"When she said that, I made a command decision. We had a new breed of chip, one designed to turn a vampire into a puppet. I had the doctors install it into his brain while I distracted Buffy."

Giles looks a little worried "Will this be like the initiative? This can't work on humans, can it?"

Willow lifted her head from wear she had collapsed on the floor, laughing. "Don't worry Giles. This chip can only work on the dead, although it still raises questions about how it'll be used?"

"I'm planning on telling them it didn't work." Giles looks at Riley "They didn't really expect it to work, and they'll believe me when I say he was destroyed by the probes."

"Probes?"

'The way it controls him so well, the way we could even speak for him. Nanobots in his body expanding from the chip. They multiply, flow through the brain and mimic the actions of the brain relating to movement, speech, things like that."

"So we hijacked his body and had some fun with it." Xander concluded.

"You only let me play with him once." Andrew sulked.

"But you did get to drop him in the s#!+, twice." Robyn commented.

"True." He brightened up.

"What's going to happen to Spike?" Robyn asks, hoping for pain.

Riley spoke up "We've finished with him. The probes really will start destroying what's left of his brain overnight. He'll be a vegetable by morning."

"Will it hurt?"

This time Xander replied "Like nothing he's ever experienced before. Willow and Andrew worked together on that part of the probes. It'll feel like acid on the mind, and his pain receptors will be destroyed last."

Robyn, grinning like a shark, stood and formally shook Willow and Andrew's hands, saying thank you.

"So what now?" Angel asked.

Xander, Giles, Riley and Willow looked at each other and nodded before saying "Faith."

Faith suddenly stands and hits Angel with a baseball bat that had been hidden under Robyn's bed. Angel fell to the floor, stunned. Willow started chanting as Giles and Xander grabbed his arms and legs, Tying him in a hogtie with chains. As they finish, Willow's chanting reaches a crescendo. Angel finds he cannot speak, and the chains are a lot stronger than they appear.

Everyone looks at Angel with gleam in their eyes. They stand and start moving towards him while Riley calls his doctors telling them they have a new subject.


End file.
